10 Things I Wish My Parents Would Have Shared With Me

College was a time when I savored the independence that came from leaving my parent’s home.  It was also a time when I realized how woefully unprepared I was for making wise decisions and establishing new patterns of behavior that would support my future endeavors. I spent most of my 20s figuring out what it means to be an adult, a person of faith, along with learning what I was good at and energized by. It was a time that I could have benefited greatly from the wisdom of my elders and the knowledge of my parents.  Listed below are some words of wisdom that I hope to discuss with my two sons before they graduate from high school: 

1. Quit trying to please everyone, including your parents. Someone will always dislike or disagree with you. Be guided by your purpose, passions, and priorities, attending to what God is up to in your life.
2. Don’t give up when things get tough. You’ll have setbacks in life like everyone else ranging from the loss of a job, the ending of significant relationships, and perhaps health issues. No one said life would be easy. View setbacks as learning opportunities. Avoid seeking out scapegoats for your struggles and use these situations to build resiliency. The sooner you realize that failure isn’t the end of the world the easier it will be to move on.
3. Realize that you’re not the only one who is struggling. Everyone struggles. It’s just a matter if which issues need attention in one’s life at a certain period in time. These include faith, finances, physical fitness, friends and family, and discerning one’s future.  Avoid comparing your life to others. A pastor shared with me, “I’m never as good as people say I am, nor as bad as others would have me to be.” When we compare our lives to others, we do so by viewing only a tiny slice of their life that observable to others. 
4. Prepare for life rather setting your plans in concrete. John Lennon said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” Set goals and mile markers in life but hold on to them loosely. Ask yourself “What’s working?” and “What’s not working?” and make course corrections as needed. Wherever you are, be there! Be fully present to others, to what’s going on in your life, to God’s presence in your life, and to emerging opportunities that pass your way.
5. Pursue joy rather than happiness.  Joy is a constant wellspring in life grounded in faith, gratitude and a sense of calling. Pursue your passions rather than a paycheck. Recognize the abundance in your life.

   

6. Deal with challenges as they arise. Avoid putting off difficult conversations with friends and loved ones. Putting your head in the sand will not make problems go away nor will moving somewhere else.  Like a rafting guide, we need to anticipate the challenges we’ll be facing downstream and plan accordingly.
7. Develop habits that help ensure a brighter future. Start your retirement account now. Save 10 percent of your income. Share 10 percent. Start a rainy day fund. Learn something new everyday. Exercise and create habits that sustain your health. It’s easier to avoid gaining weight than it is to try losing it later. 
8. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you – people that challenge you, inspire you and have your best interests in mind. Who you hang around with matters.  Friendships, like food, should be nutritious and life-giving and should be chosen carefully. Realize that most friendships will only be temporary. Most of your high school and college friends will go by the wayside. When your friends aren’t all living in the same town or campus, you’ll realize which ones mean the most to you, and which ones are worth investing in. 
9. Realize that your spouse or “soul mate” won’t meet all of your needs. Avoid placing unrealistic expectation on others that you’d have a hard time living up to yourself. All meaningful long-term relationships require work and dedication along with large doses of grace and gratitude.
10. Be a blessing to everyone, everywhere, at all times. See life and people through the eyes of Jesus. Chose to make a difference every day.  Make your ordinary life extraordinary by using your God-given gifts to be source of joy, hope and inspiration to others. 

What do you wish you would have known before you ventured off to college or a new career?  What do you wish to pass along to your children and the young people you regularly engage with? What’s the legacy you wish to leave behind for the next generation?

The Facts of Life

Did you or your kids watch “The Facts of Life” TV show? It was a show about a group of teenage girls at a boarding school who learn many of life’s lessons and go through adolescent struggles under the guidance of their loving housemother “Mrs. G.” While it was a sit-com and we could laugh together about the funny predicaments they often found themselves in, it also touched on some basic principles that teenagers often need to learn as they grow up. Things like telling the truth, forgiveness, acceptance and others were common themes that “Mrs. G” had discussions about with the girls around the dining room table.

It reminds me of some of the important principles that my parents taught me growing up and how they have shaped me into the person I am today. And I too find myself having those dinner conversations about similar things. One thing I will never forget my mom saying is, “Jesus loves you, and that’s a fact!” It took me several years to really discover what that meant and what she was trying to express. You see, love isn’t always a feeling we experience with “warm fuzzies” and hugs. Love, in terms of the kind of love we receive from God, is a love that is unwavering. It is a love that does not change even when we change or turn away from it. It is a love that does not depend on our performance or our ability to follow all the rules to the letter and get everything right. It’s simply a fact. The fact that God will never leave us and God’s love will always welcome us in despite of our shortcomings and mistakes. You and I need this love. Our teenagers need this love. Unfortunately, sometimes we find ourselves as parents withholding our love so we can get our teenagers to act the way we want them too. That’s when we must ask ourselves, “how can I show my unwavering love for my son or daughter in the midst of the disagreements, the stretching of boundaries and the moments of lost trust?”

One of the best ways I have found to do this is to let them know you love them when there is no reason to at all other than you simply want them to know it. The expression of love is not tied to an event, a performance, a hello or goodbye, or when they are having a hard time, it’s merely expressed at a random moment. These are all important times to express love, but don’t we as parents want our children to know that our love for them is not tied to any conditions. So here are some things you and I can do:

– Write them a letter. Don’t tie it to any particular event, just do it because you want them to know that you love them, and that’s a fact!

– Spend time with them without any motives. Go for a walk or a drive. Take them for coffee or ice cream “just because.”

– Don’t give up on traditions. Just because they have gotten older doesn’t mean the traditions aren’t important anymore. They are holy moments that send the message that they are important and loved.

Most of all…tell them that God loves them and that’s a fact! No matter what, no strings attached. And nothing can separate them from that love.

~ Tom Schwolert

 

Raise Your Hand If . . .

Raise your hand if you’ve never heard something like this, “Parents are the primary educators in the faith.”

Don’t see any hands going up.

Raise your hand if you think Sunday School, all by itself, is working.

Still don’t see any hands.

Odd, isn’t it, that we all know that parents have primary influence, and yet we continue to perpetuate a broken model of faith formation. We lift children and youth out of their primary relationship system, drop them into a less-than-ideal fabricated environment with their peers and a catechist for an hour or so per week and fool ourselves into thinking we’re forming disciples.

Ah, but this is what we’ve always done. We’ve trained parents well in the drop-off mentality. “Give us your children in September, we’ll give you disciples in May!” Well folks, it’s May. Can anyone deliver on the promise?

What if we took seriously the research-based fact that parents are indeed the primary educators in the faith? Shouldn’t we design our faith formation efforts in such a way to support and utilize this primary influence, rather than doing an end-run around it? Shouldn’t we simply spend more time with parents, and creating more ways for them to be together, support one another, commiserate over their struggles, and learn from each other?

Does this mean that parents should take on the burden of teaching a systematic and comprehensive curriculum of Christian faith to their children? Actually, no. According to the research of Vern Bengston in his recent book Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down Across Generations (Oxford University Press, 2013), parental influence is shown in two key ways:

1. how the parent genuinely lives his/her faith — by the time our children reach age 10 they know if religious practice is genuine and meaningful or just motions the parent goes through for the sake of the children.
2. the quality of relationship the parent nurtures with the child — characterized as warm, intimate, and open toward religious choices.

There’s a place in the congregation for age-specific faith formation. And there’s a role for the congregation to provide a strong curriculum of faith learning, but without the primary influence of parents, all that congregational effort has little or no traction.

Wouldn’t it make sense to give up some classroom time with children and create more and better opportunities for parents to be nurtured in faith, and supported in their relationships with their children? If the congregation can do these two things, our children and youth would be beckoned and drawn into genuine faith practice.

Leif Kehrwald

 

You’ve Got to Check This Out

Every once in a while, I find a wonderful resource.  This one happens to be for PARENTING, and I’d encourage you to connect any parents that you know with it. I found it thanks to a Luther Seminary student friend who LIKED them on Facebook.  Since she did, I did too.  And I’ve watched what they post for about a year.  I have found that the insights that they share and the faithful, Gospel-centered and simple focus of their parenting framework is just, well—wonderful. Enjoy sharing this.  

5 Powerful Parenting Lessons from ‘Frozen’ – Connected Families

Frozen has great music, but it also has some food-for-thought nuggets about relationships and emotional health. Here are a few key takeaways for parents…

~~Nancy Going

It’s the Parents Fault

“If you were just a better parent, then…(fill in the blank); If we could just get the parents involved; If the parents would just quit dropping their kids off at church and going to Starbucks; If parents would just do more then their children would turn out better.”

Have you heard some of these statements before? As if the burden of parenting is not hard enough, we heap on more blame and guilt for parents. As if they haven’t had some of these thoughts already themselves. There has to be someone to blame (or credit) for the state of the spiritual lives of our young people today, doesn’t there?

Look, I’m a parent. I get it. I have a 16 year old and a 20 year old. I’m constantly wondering if their upbringing has shaped them to be the person God intends. My wife and I talk about our influence on them (or if we still have any influence). The bottom line is, we want them to know Jesus in a way that they won’t walk away from him in their young years…or ever. It is our hope that they pursue Jesus for the rest of their lives.

There is some truth that there are no guaranties in this life. As parents, we can’t totally control how our children are going to turn out. But it’s not our role as parents to control them, it is our role to nurture them. This is something we can do. We can love them with all our being. We can talk less and listen more. We can bring them to the foot of the Cross. So here are some ideas:

Church– please quit blaming parents for their lack of spirituality. Instead, sit down with parents and listen to them. Love them unconditionally and work together on how you can best be Spirit bearers for young people. Be a partner.

Parents– quit blaming yourself and start celebrating all that is incredible about your child(ren).

Here are a few things you can do:

1. Start early- Sit them on your lap and read God’s story with them.

2. Start now- If you did not start early, dump the guilt and start now. Simply spend time with them and welcome times to listen to them about their spiritual questions and longings.

3. Seek God- Perhaps the best thing we can do as parents is to spend time in growing closer to Jesus ourselves. When our relationship with God is moving and growing, there is a good chance that it will rub off on our children.

4. Forgive yourself- yes, you’ve messed up. So have I and every parent. Forgiving ourselves can help us move deeper into relationship with God and others.

Finally, let’s stop the blame game and celebrate these precious lives God has entrusted to us. It is meant to be a gift not a burden. They are in God’s hands.